LOTF+Parent

From the time Roger was a young boy, I taught him the proper way to behave. Living in an English society, manners have always been some of the foremost things that I tried to instill in Roger and his siblings. I sent Roger to boarding school when he was 7 years old in order to put him in a stable environment for him to grow as a young man. Every time he came home to visit on holidays he always seemed so happy and I never worried about him being in trouble or troubled. At the start of the war, I was very worried for the safety of all of my children, but especially Roger's because he was the only one away from home. When the government started to take children to safer countries, a burden was lifted from my heavy heart. My sweet Roger would be taken to a safer place where he would be well taken care of by other loving families, God willing. The day Roger came home for his last visit, I noticed something different about him. He teased his young siblings unceasingly and that was very odd for him to do. I dismissed his actions as nervousness for his leaving. At one time, as I was walking past his room I saw him with a spider and it looked as if he were pulling off its legs individually. But I refused to believe he would be doing something so cruel, so I brushed it off as something that I did not see correctly. He was a bit stiff towards me when he had always been the one to come to me for more 'butterfly' kisses. I hoped with all my heart that my Roger was not being replaced with another Roger who had a colder mannerism. I hoped that his actions were because of the stress of his leaving home. When it came time for the taxi to pick him up and take him to the train station, he did not look back after I kissed him. My heart was broken, but not my love for him. After all, he was being ripped away from all he knew and he was probably very sad. For weeks all my children who had been taken overseas had been accounted for except for Roger. Not a night went by without the hope of seeing my Roger again and me crying myself to sleep. I had entrusted my child to strangers and I had been duped. I did not know if I would ever see Roger again. One day, a knock woke me up from my afternoon nap. I opened the door to find two navel officers standing there. The thoughts that went through my head were, "Had they found Roger? Was he dead or alive?" I soon found out that he was alive and that he and the other boys had been stranded on an island. I cried with happiness and relief for my son's return. But the looks on the officers grave faces told me that there was something more to the finding of Roger and it was not good. They then told me that Roger was being accused of taking part in two murders and for brutally hunting another boy. I was stunned into silence. How dare they say those things about my son! I had raised him and he knew better than to do those horrible things they were accusing him of. I soon found out that the accusations were indeed true about Roger's actions. Something on the island must have made him act that way. His desperation for some sort of control over things in his life was so great that he was driven to murder to control the lives of others. I am in no way accepting his actions as right or even excusable. At his trial, he was found guilty of murdering a boy named Piggy by rolling a rock and having it hit Piggy. When I learned that, I was very angry and I felt exploited by my own son. Where had all the values of caring for others gone? Then I started to second guess myself. Had I really taught him all that I should have? Maybe I had been too lenient in disciplining him when he misbehaved. Thinking back to the day that I saw him with the spider, I realize that he was really pulling off its legs. I should have gone back to talk to him. I missed a critical sign that was right in front of my face of his future actions. Another disturbing fact that came out was that Roger had been the leader in hunting a boy named Ralph. I wept when I heard that because those were the actions of a beast. My son was a beast! I wondered if it may have been something he ate on the island that caused him to act like that. No, that would be just a lame excuse for his actions. I have heard many people blame me for Roger's actions. But the fact of the matter is, I was not on that island. I had no control over what he did. He is a growing boy who is constantly experiencing different moods and hormonal changes. The values that I taught him probably stayed with him for some time while he was on the island, but the absence of an adult and security drove him to his beastly actions. It was out of my control. I have a feeling that life at home will never be the same again. Roger was sentenced to life in a juvenile hall until he is 18 years old, and when he is 18, he will be transferred to jail for 50 years. My son has wasted his life away and that makes me very sad. Visits to my son in a juvenile hall will be bittersweet occasions for me. I will never look at him the same way again. His character is tainted and will never be the same again.
 * __ TendaiI Can Not Explain It __**